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Dear Sheila,

I am thirty-three years old and the mother of a two-year-old daughter. Married for four years, I recently found out that my husband was contacting a mutual friend named Chris. 

When I inquired as to whom he was speaking with, he told me a work colleague; yet it was a mutual friend, Christina, that he works with.

After asking about all the sudden phone calls, my husband then said to me that he was seeking comfort in the arms of another and wanted to pursue a relationship with her.

Should I wait around for him to figure out what he wants, or should I file for divorce?

The fact that the relationship continues is too close for my comfort level. Would you advise me confronting Christina about this indiscretion and see how stable this other relationship is?

—Too Close for Comfort in Hawaii

 

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” -Tony Robbins

Dear Too Close for Comfort,

Sometimes people grow apart or spend more time in proximity with others, and the line of friendship gets blurred into a relationship. It may be helpful to have an open discussion with your husband about why he felt like he needed to seek comfort outside of the marriage.

Whatever he says, although it is important for your own growth to see your role or part in this, it usually has very little to do with anything you did or did not do as a wife. The open dialogue will help you decide whether or not to start over and work together, or to make a conscious and loving choice to move on and get a fresh start.

You have also mentioned that you two share a child together. If you two decide to split, it is important to do your best to keep open lines of communication and work together on the common ground of how to best uncouple and continue to joint parent your two-year-old.

It sounds like your spouse has made a declaration and brought his work relationship to your attention. The fact that he is being honest with you is far better than continuing to be in a marriage where he is not in truth.

Although walking away seems difficult and not convenient, living in a relationship that is based on lies is far more painful. Although your child is very young, the lessons in how you show up through this relationship shift will be an example of how to later get through his or her own tough times.

As always, I wish you,

Life, Love, Laughter & Light!”

—Sheila Mac

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